


水仙 (suisen)

by madamadas



Series: monthly fics [2019] [4]
Category: Samurai Love Ballad: PARTY
Genre: Canon Divergence, F/M, One-Sided Attraction, Platonic Love, from the tags and summary don't expect a romantic kind of ending btw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-24 07:20:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18566614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamadas/pseuds/madamadas
Summary: it felt like there’s something more; what if it’s just a thought and nothing more? or there is more, but not in the way you expected nor wanted





	水仙 (suisen)

One day, it occurs to you that you’ve truly gotten used to your work and living with the Takeda.

It’s funny how, a few weeks ago, you just wanted to go back home to Kyoto and back to your family. But, with everything that had happened, from posing as Lady Kiku. to death almost taking you multiple times, and surviving all that and even seeing actual love bloom, you only realize now you never actually got to go back home, and it’s surprising how unbothered you feel about that fact.

Maybe it’s got something to do with the people that have been taking care of you; with everyone treating you like family, it’s hard not to feel at home here with Lord Shingen and the others.

Even a certain ninja has started being less sullen with you, a fact that makes your heart flutter.

Despite the whole ordeal with him getting orders from his village to kill you—well, more like Lady Kiku, in order to start something between the Takeda and Uesugi—the fact he doesn’t, and instead protects you from the other ninjas, makes you think there’s a possibility of becoming something more to him; it’s only a matter of making your feelings obvious.

_Eventually._

The idea is a bit too ambitious for your comfort right now, and you want to be certain of your feelings first. And his.

 

It’s practically routine to be making dango for him.

But the fact he asks for some daifuku as well and more or less invites himself to help you out make them makes you wonder if this is an excuse for something or what.

Soon enough though, as soon as you got started on the daifuku, he’s letting you do the rest, only giving you his typical closed-eyed smiles when you send a pointed, amused look his way before he simply muses: “Go on. Don’t worry about me.”

“‘Don’t worry about me’, he says as if I should.” You murmur good-naturedly as you start making the dessert, trying not to get nervous at his presence as you do so, fumbling a little as you multitask between getting the daifuku ready and putting the dangos in sticks. “Anyway, any reason as to why–”

“That’s enough.” He suddenly interrupts when you get enough ingredients for only three pieces of daifuku at most, smiling. “I don’t need much.”

“Oh, really? Are you sure?” You can’t help but ask, more confused than ever at his behaviour, but he only smiles.

“I’m sure.”

You want to ask more details from him, but you find yourself focusing on the skewering and the cooking of the two desserts, hoping you don’t look too flustered because meeting his slightly soft gaze sent your heart in a frenzy.

It feels a bit of a blur as time passes, and before you know it, you finished making his requests, quickly handing the plate to him with a pleased smile. “Here you go. Are you sure you don’t need more of the daifuku?”

He shakes his head as he picks up one of the dango sticks and immediately munches on it, speaking despite the food in his mouth: “I got what I needed, thanks for the food and lesson, dear.”

“Goodness, chew before talking.” You playfully scold, and he only pinches your nose in retaliation, a small smile forming on his face as he stares at the little white desserts for a moment—and you swear there’s something different in his gaze when he does—before he turns back his focus on the dangos, eating it happily as he leaves you alone to your thoughts, wondering what did he exactly mean by them.

But happy as well, being able to spend time like that with him, even for a brief moment.

 

“Thank you, by the way.”

Yukimura’s thanks comes out of nowhere, and you can’t help but just look at him in utter confusion, to which he starts getting flustered, cheeks quickly turning red by the second as he waves his hands around frantically.

“It’s just–! He doesn’t say it, but I know he’s feeling a bit down these past few weeks, so I’m just glad you’re here with us and everything, you know?! He could always use more friends and I’m glad you are! His friend!”

His words touched you, but as much as they did, you feel a pang of hurt at being called Saizo’s friend, especially now that you’re becoming more sure of wanting to mean something more to the sullen ninja—to the point that some nights are plagued with thoughts of him, and only him, depriving you of your much needed sleep.

But, you only smile with a nod. “I’m more than happy to be his friend. And you, and Sasuke, and everyone else’s too. I’m glad to mean something to all of you, after all the kindness you’ve all shown me.”

Hearing your words make him grin as he tells you it’s no big deal, and you find yourself swept up on his joy and enthusiasm, despite your throbbing heart, becoming more aware of how suffocating it is to be silent about the truth.

 

You don’t know if it’s fate or coincidence.

Either way, here you are in town, buying ingredients for dinner later tonight, and you bump into Saizo by chance while he’s in browsing a stall’s wares, his hand holding an accessory of sorts before handing it over to the shopkeeper, as well as some money a second later, receiving the now-pouched item back in his hand.

Before you can say anything and make your presence known, he turns to your direction, a bit of a knowing smile on his face as he pockets away the item he just bought. “And just now what are we doing in town, dear?”

“O–Oh, just out buying some things for dinner. How about you, Saizo? Out shopping?” You stammer out, glancing at his pocket before looking back to him, something occurring to you. “Actually, Lord Yukimura was looking for you, said he wanted you to meet him in town to help him get a present for someone. Is that what you’re doing?”

The smile on his face quickly turns to a frown—maybe even a bit of a pout, frankly—as he sighs exasperatingly. “Was he now. And, no, this is for someone else.”

There it is again; that hint of emotion swimming in his eyes. It’s a bit weaker than last time, but it’s there.

Finally, you realize it’s fondness. And he’s directing some of it towards you.

Your heart is threatening to beat out of your chest, and lucky for you, the emotion in his eyes come and go, his usual amusement lighting up his eyes once again as he stares at your basket, and you can only shrug since he sees there’s nothing in it just yet. “Wanna come with?”

He only smiles. “Only if you pay me.”

“But I do. With dangos.”

“Not enough.”

“But how can it not be? Do you know how–” “SAIZO! You bastard, I’ve been looking all over for you!!!” You’re interrupted by familiar shouting, and as you turn to look back at the ninja in question, he’s already gone—as if he wasn’t with you in the first place.

 

He’s always lounging around the rooftop, even at night—it’s more or less his favourite spot.

Tonight’s no exception as you climb up the ladder to the roof, peeking your head enough so that you can see him lying down there as he stares at the moon. absentmindedly chewing on another stick of dango.

“Still eating dango up until now?” You joke lightly as you finally climb on top of the roof, walking over carefully to sit by him.

“The little lord left me exhausted from all his questions and complaints.” It seems even after his grand escape, Yukimura managed to find him and most likely drag him along to help with whatever her needed to buy. “How about you, dear?”

“Oh, don’t worry, I got all the shopping done.” You muse with a smile, and he hums in acknowledgement.

And now it’s silent.

Albeit a comfortable one, and yet, your heart is beating, hands shaking and a bit clammy, breathing just a slight bit uneven as nervousness prickles your skin.

Tonight, you tell him, and you’re hoping, so much, that he—

You bite back your surprised scream when it suddenly occurs to you he’s sitting closer, a questioning look on his face as he observes your face, silently prodding you for answers already.

And you’ll give them. “Saizo, I like you.”

The silence is starting to becoming overbearing, and you just want him to say something, anything—

He quietly says your name, and it’s with this apologetic tone that you wished the silence continued instead of this stuffy, suffocating air around you both now.

You’ve fallen hard, but the feelings aren’t mutual. And it _hurts_.

“I–I’m sorry. I just thought, there was something between us. That you felt something too, and I just...assumed and I–” Great, now you’re crying.

You try to hide your face away from him, but he only pulls you to face him, and the way he pats your tears away with his sleeve—with such care and gentleness—only makes your heart ache more for him.

There’s this fond, slightly guilty expression on his face, and you can’t help but yelp when he suddenly pinches your cheeks.

“Sorry, dear.” He muses with a soft, careful tone that makes you want to cry again, but out of guilt for making things awkward. “You mean a lot to me, but not in the way you’re hoping for.”

You try your best to hold back your tears as you nod acceptingly, letting yourself take in and feel him close to you, knowing you’ll never have more, and having to accept that eventually.

But, for now, you take in his warmth as the two of you sit there in a silence that’s more at ease now.

 

It seems you haven’t met everyone just yet.

“This is Master Sarutobi Sasuke. He and Shizuka were out helping out some Takeda territories with their problems throughout these last few weeks.” Yukimura introduces the man in front of you.

“Hey there, heard you had quite the rough time a few weeks ago. Hope you’re growing to enjoy your time here now.” Sasuke is a very tall and built man, so he easily manages to pat your head and ruffle it until it’s a mess, and he laughs apologetically. “Whoops, my bad.”

You wave him off with a smile, unperturbed by it. How can you be, when he’s so friendly and gives off such a warm, caring vibe like everyone in the Takeda has? Even Yukimura’s special someone, who visited briefly as per her lover’s request, was the same—with the way she greets you with warmth and kindness—which made it such a delight to see them act so cute and sweet, see the young lord be infatuated and at ease around someone.

Even the same can be said for her. Shizuka.

She and Saizo are far enough that you can barely hear their conversation, but you can easily see the smile on both their face, hers widening when he hands over a pouch—the same one you saw him pocket almost a week ago, you quickly realize—and she lights up upon seeing a simple yet pretty flower hairpin.

Your heart aches when you see him touch her so tenderly as he pins her hair up with the accessory, the way he openly kisses the back of her neck and chuckle afterwards when she pouts at him. Not a surprise that the hairpin fits her well, given she’s a samurai’s daughter despite not considering herself one anymore.

But your heart also finds itself somewhat at ease, knowing you helped him find this happiness; it may not be with you, but you’re happy to know the boy you’ve helped cheered up continues to be optimistic.

And with that, you find it easier to brush your hands against the daffodil pin he has given you as a token of appreciation, honoured to be his friend.

**Author's Note:**

> 水仙 (suisen) — daffodil; unrequited love, respect
> 
> happy late bday saizo!!! i love him and his ms so much, but it also feels like it's a bit unrealistic saizo and mc fall for one another just because her dangos "saved" him, so wrote a bit of a what-if uwu BUT can't help myself with a bit of self-indulgence so ;3c LMAO also, tried to make it as gender-neutral as possible, but given how mc had to pose as lady kiku, couldn't exactly keep the fic gender-neutral so i'm sorry for that;;; anyways hope y'all enjoy ow<


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